Thank God Not Everyone Is Uptight About Religion

Enough already with the pictures of people protesting insults to their religion.

While I have been concerned for a few years now about the Hindu right wing that threatens to be India's saffron Taliban, it's good to see that mainstream Hindus can take their religion with a chuckle. For some strange reason, most of the humour is centred around Lord Ganesh. I'm sure Vishnu and Shiva can take a joke or two in their stride, although I'm not sure about the goddesses. You know what they say about women and a sense of humour... (ducks projectile)

Here are some popular images of Lord Ganesh in recent times:

Indian cricket is certainly in need of divine intervention...

All thanks for starting that IT revolution, my Lord.

And don't miss the intelligent mouse

This one might spark some protests ... by Marvel Comics

Oh, and don't forget the merchandising (elephants never do).

You can order these online. No, I don't get a cut :-(.

Have you heard the one about the practice of visarjan (immersion of the idol in a nearby body of water at the end of the annual Ganesh festival)?

A Christian, a Muslim and a Hindu are in a boat at sea when a violent storm breaks out and the boat is in danger of capsizing.
The Christian calls out, "O Lord Jesus, save me!"
Jesus promptly appears and rescues the Christian.
The Muslim then cries out, "O Prophet Mohammed, please save me!"
The Prophet Mohammed appears and saves the Muslim.
The Hindu is now the only one left on the boat. He too cries out in terror, "O Lord Ganesh, please save me!"
Lord Ganesh appears and tells the Hindu, "Every year, you drown me. Now you drown!"

Another one:

A Western expatriate teacher at an international school offers a cash reward to the child who can name the greatest man who ever lived.
'Buddha?' says a Buddhist.
'The prophet?' says a Muslim.
'Jesus?' says a Hindu.
The teacher hands the money to the Hindu, who says: 'Thanks, Miss. Actually, the right answer is Krishna, but business is business.'

Ah, what would religion be without the jokes? Everybody should watch the Seinfeld episode "The Yada Yada" about how dentist Tim Whatley converted to Judaism just so he could tell Jewish jokes without being accused of anti-Semitism.

Jerry: I have a suspicion that he [Dr. Whatley] has converted to Judaism purely for the jokes
Priest: And this offends you as a Jewish person?
Jerry: No, it offends me as a comedian!

Personally, although I would very much prefer to see a world without religion, I could settle for one where the religious were able to laugh at themselves instead of taking offence at the drop of a hat.

Is Bollywood Now Into Bad Vampire Movies?

Event Cinemas seems to think "The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 2" is a Bollywood movie. Yes, it's an over-the-top emotional melodrama that appeals only to teenage girls, but seriously guys, calling it a Bollywood movie for that reason is a bit much. (Where are the songs, eh? QED.)

(And Sudigadu, being a Telugu movie, isn't strictly "Bollywood", but Event Cinemas can be forgiven for that error. "Galti se mistake ho gaya", as we say in "Indian".)

Life Imitates Life Imitating Art

In "Bean: The Ultimate Disaster Movie", our hero ruins the famous painting "Whistler's Mother" in classic style, then "restores" it.

The original Whistler's Mother painting 

(officially called "Arrangement in Grey and Black No.1", by the way)

Mr. Bean's restored version

(It does have a certain charm denied to the original)

One could be forgiven for having a good laugh in the theatres and sobering up when leaving, convinced that such things happen only in the movies. But fortunately, real life has a pretty good comic director too.

A devout, church-going Spanish octogenarian has made up for a misspent life of ordinariness and boring good deeds to leave her mark on this world before it was too late.

She took it upon herself to restore a century-old fresco of Jesus on the wall of her local church and probably did one better than Mr Bean.

Left: The original fresco (known as Ecce Homo - "Behold the Man")

Right: The restored version by Cecilia Gimenez (now christened Ecce Mono - "Behold the Monkey")

This may not quite be the start of a new school of art on the scale of Impressionism, but it has not failed to gather its own devoted followers.

This improved version of The Last Supper provides the unfathomable sense of foreboding that was sadly lacking in the original.

This was the enigmatic expression that da Vinci tried (unsuccessfully) to capture. The "Mono Lisa" will keep us guessing for centuries to come.

An art historian has reportedly said that Ms. Gimenez's painting is "completely modern and reflecting in (sic) a simple and naive popular mysticism". Uh, whatever that means.

All this and more, written up by a journalist mercifully blessed with a sense of the ridiculous. 

We should remember that Mr. Bean not only covered up his "restoration" with a fake, he actually made a speech at the museum, to great applause:

I'm Dr. Bean, apparently, and my job is to sit and look at paintings (applause). So, what have I learnt that I can say about this painting? Well, firstly, it's quite...big, which is excellent, because if it was really small, you know, microscopic, then hardly anybody would be able to see it, which would be a tremendous shame. Secondly, and I'm quite near the end now, of this ...analysis of this painting [...] This picture is worth such a lot of money because it's a picture of Whistler's mother, and as I've learnt by staying with my best friend David Langley and his family, families are very important. And even though Mr. Whistler was perfectly aware that his mother was a hideous old bat who looked like she had a cactus lobbed up her backside, he stuck with her, and even took the time to paint this amazing picture of her. It's not just a painting. It's a picture of a mad old cow who he thought the world of. And that's marvelous. ...well, that's what I think (wild applause).

In our real life story too, the old lady in question seems absolutely unaware of the magnitude of her er..contribution to the world, and one can't help coming away from watching her interview with the impression that what she did was perfectly OK. Actually, it's more than just OK, it's cosmic OK. "Truth is stranger than fiction." "Life imitates Art." We're running out of clichés here.

How To Assemble An IKEA Manual

You can't go far setting up a house with do-it-yourself furniture without running into an IKEA instruction manual.

The most generic instruction is this:

What could be clearer, eh? It says you should start with a cheerful greeting,"A hammer screwdriver pencil to you!" when you begin. It might actually mean something in Swedish, considering that Dag Hammarskjöld is an authentic Swedish name (The UN secretary-general guy who tried but couldn't put things together). Then it tells you to eliminate the unhappy man kneeling beside the broken box. You should leave the other man alone, the one smiling because he's got a carpet to kneel on and his box is not broken. Finally, if you don't know what those two shapes mean, stand outside IKEA and use a phone with a really long cord. Someone will tell you that it is an inclined plane, and you will be happy to learn the answer.

Obviously, I'm not the only one to have wicked interpretations of IKEA's well-meaning wordless instructions. Here's what someone else thinks:

And we haven't even got started on the names.

They just have to have all those umlauts or whatever they're called in Swedish, don't they? Now that's enough to unleash the Internet's creative talent.

Here's a smörgåsbord of parodies. (And that is an honest-to-goodness Swedish word.)

 Now you know where the phrase "turning the house upside-down" came from.

And that's the correct way to do it! 

That's how you find the Higgs Bösøn, I'm sure.

And the Science Fiction crowd is not to be outdone.

Båk to the Fütür

Stär Wårs

Døctor Whö - the right way

Døctor Whö - the wrong way

And then there are the truly wicked ones with a healthy dose of dark humour:

This wouldn't work as well in black-and-white...

Now this is bound to, ahem, crack you up.

This one has more turns than an Allen Key

Finally, it seems someone had enough of IKEA itself!

I'm sure there's more out there, but these were enough to make my day.

Update April 2021:

India, Don't Lose the Sense-of-Humour Medal Too

If someone ever did a per-capita Olympic medal calculation, India would be at the bottom of the heap.  [Update 01/08/2012: There is one, and India is at the bottom of the heap.] In some ways, that's a no-win situation. Winning medals at international events takes serious investment, and only rich countries (or communist countries who make it a matter of pride) can afford to spend that kind of money. So either India gets ridiculed for not winning medals, or it gets criticised for wasting money on sports when there are "so many starving millions", as the critics will be quick to scream.

Fair enough, but Indians can at least maintain a sense of humour, can't they?

At the opening ceremony of the London Olympics, a young Indian woman in a red top and blue trousers joined the athletes and marched at the head of the Indian delegation.

Three cheers for Madhura Nagendra!

Indian officialdom reacted in the way it knows best.

The head of the Indian delegation, P K M Raja, said the woman had "embarrassed us in front of the world". (There are far more embarrassing things about India, Mr. Raja. Where do we start? Corruption? The complete non-governance of the government? The loser mentality?)

Calling the incident "bizarre", he said the Indian team would be demanding an apology. (From whom? Nobody owes you any apology. Stop taking yourselves so bloody seriously and learn to laugh at the ridiculous.)

"The Indian contingent was shown for just 10 seconds and to think this lady hogged all the limelight," said Mr Raja. ("Boo hoo! Because these 10 seconds are the only chance our athletes have of being in the limelight.")

Me, I had a hearty laugh. Indians have arrived at last, I thought. We can play practical jokes with the best of them. Here are two of my personal heroes of the art of gatecrashing:

Chas Licciardello of The Chasers penetrating deep into the security cordon surrounding George W Bush during the APEC meet, -- dressed as Osama bin Laden!

Claude Khazizian (with the red handkerchief), a distinguished-looking betting shop employee, who loved to bluff his way past security and pose with heads of state

Do these people not deserve our applause and adulation? Breathes there a man with soul so dead, who never to himself hath said, "This is a joke, a hilarious riot"?

Fortunately, the disgracefully humourless behaviour of the Indian official was somewhat mitigated by that bulwark of sanity, the cartoonist. This is a sample.

(Now somebody is going to take offence at the Indian flag being shown upside-down)

Thanks to that cartoon, India, you've barely managed to win the Bronze for humour. We expect better the next time.

This Colourful Battle of the Sexes

[Statutory warning: This blog entry contains HUMOUR. No responsibility is taken for any inadvertent offence caused.]

I recently came across this illustration that was, I believe, ironically intended to demonstrate the superiority of females when it comes to dealing with colours.

The irony that was lost on the woman (of course it was a woman!) posting it is that this serves to demonstrate exactly the opposite! An initial cursory glance may appear to prove that women have a more sophisticated and discriminating vocabulary when it comes to describing colour. But here's why I think the issue of colour perception isn't as, er, black-and-white as it may seem.

In fact, my advice to others of my sex would be that instead of seeing red (or indeed any other colour) at the attempted disparagement, they show sympathy and understanding. It is well known that women lack the capacity for abstract thinking that characterises men, and the ease with which we can conceptually separate concrete objects from their abstract attributes should not cause us to take this ability for granted.

[Not portrayed in this simplistic illustration is our equally enviable ability to refine our descriptions of colours using subcategories like "light" and "dark", and transitional categories such as "greenish-blue", still without requiring recourse to concrete objects that happen to have those properties!]

For example, when we are shown the colour pink, we have no problem in identifying it as the abstract colour pink with no recourse to any physical, concrete object. However, a woman will have trouble doing so, and will tend to blurt out the name of an object she is familiar with, which has that attribute, e.g., "Strawberry!"

In fact, there is a definite and discernible pattern in the substitution of "lime" for green, "eggplant" for purple and "banana" for yellow. Women's historical background in the kitchen, coupled with their incapacity for abstract thinking, leads to their understandable confusion of colours with the fruits and vegetables that happen to display those chromatic characteristics.

Imagine men calling yellow "sulphur" or black "grease", based on our own traditional backgrounds in engineering and industry. That's what this unfortunate condition is like for women.

So once again, I would appeal to my fellow males to show sympathy and refrain from flaunting our intellectual superiority.

And let's be grateful that women have chosen to dip into their background of cooking rather than cleaning to identify colours, otherwise we may have had to suffer descriptions like "dishcloth", "soiled nappy" and "bathroom tile".

One more reason to vote for Obama

Well, Obama's locked up the geek vote, at any rate.

When visiting Google's headquarters last year, he was reportedly asked a question that would have stumped even a few techos: "What's the most efficient way to sort a million 32-bit integers?"

In the thoughtful, deliberate way we've come to admire so much, the Democratic candidate answered that he thought the bubble sort would be the wrong way to go. I'm sure he'll arrive at the correct algorithm with the help of his advisers, but it's good to know that his instincts were correct, as always. And there's at least one country that he could be President of in a heartbeat.

It could be disastrous to elect a person with a poor sorting policy, especially in these difficult economic times when we can't afford to waste resources. I'm told McCain couldn't answer the same question when he visited the Google campus a few months earlier. And I'm sure Sarah Palin's answer would have involved stacking the numbers as far right as they'd go...

Old Products, New Marketing

Being a nerd, I'm always amused by church signs that reference technology to evangelise religion.








Now the church has competition in this space, as this sign from Gurgaon near New Delhi demonstrates.


[I'm not an expert on Yoga, so I won't attempt to explain what Pranayama is. I'll leave it to Wikipedia to define Pranayama (and if someone doesn't agree with the definition, they can always edit the entry ;-).]

Clever Signs

We've all read about the funny signs with inadvertent mistakes from around the world. But try these:

At a car lot: The best way to get on your feet....Miss a car payment.

At a tyre repair shop: Invite us to your next blowout.

Outside a muffler shop: No appointment necessary. We heard you coming.

In front of a car wash: If you can't read this, it's time to wash your car.

At a towing company: We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.

At a used car lot: Second-hand cars in first crash condition.

At an auto body shop: May we have the next dents?

On a caravan trailer: I go where I'm towed to.

On a music teacher's door: Out Chopin.

At a music store: Out to lunch. Bach at 12:30. Offenbach sooner.

On the door of a music library: Bach in a min-u-et.

At a pizza shop: 7 days without pizza makes one weak.

On a butcher's window: Let me meat your needs.

Outside a restaurant: Try our fish just for the halibut.

On the menu of a restaurant: Blackened bluefish

Outside a hotel: Help! We need inn-experienced people.

At an optometrist's office: If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.

In a counselor's office: Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional.

In a dentist's office: Be true to your teeth or they will be false to you.

In a podiatrist's window: Time wounds all heels.

On a maternity room door: Push. Push. Push.

In a veterinarian’s waiting room: Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!

At the electric company: We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be.

A church sign: To remove worry wrinkles, get your faith lifted.

At a gym: Merry Fitness and a Happy New Rear!

At a beauty parlour: Dye now!

In a farmer’s field: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but be aware that the bull charges.

In a non-smoking area: If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.

In a cemetery: Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves.

At a hardware store: Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday kindly bring it back or further steps will be taken.

In the front yard of a funeral home: Drive carefully. We’ll wait.

In the window of an appliance store: Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work.

Inside a bowling alley: Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop.

At a maternity clothes shop: We are open on Labor Day.

On a desk in a reception room: We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left.

On a fence: Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive.

On a plumbing company's trucks: Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.

On a scientist's door: Gone Fission

On a taxidermist's window: We really know our stuff.

On an established dry cleaning store: Thirty-eight years on the same spot.

On the door of a computer store: Out for a quick byte.

Outside an antique shop: We buy junk and sell antiques.

Sign at the psychic's hotline: Don't call us, we'll call you.

----------------------------------------------------------

And my favourite (Patel & Co. Plumbing in London): You've tried the cowboys, now try the Indians.

Classic!

The lighter side of the financial crisis

Although I cannot vouch for its authenticity, there is some grave news coming out of Japan as the repercussions of the US financial crisis hit that country.

In the last 7 hours Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches. Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song, while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived. Samurai Bank is soldiering on despite sharp cutbacks, Ninja Bank is reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black. Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.

[Update 25/08/2012: This is my own - Sudoku Bank has been unable to make the numbers.]

And in earlier news from Wall St:

Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
Knives were up sharply.
Cows steered into a bull market.
Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
Diapers remain unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
The market for raisins dried up.
Coca Cola fizzled.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at midday.
Balloon prices were inflated.
Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.

Three Palindromes and a Spoonerism

We've all heard palindromes that make no sense, such as

Mad Zeus, no live Devil, lived evil on Suez dam.

HUH?

I much prefer palindromes that make sense in a plausible context, not contrived ones like "Step on no pets" or "Draw pupil's lip upward".

My favourite ones are these three:

An ad for Toyota:

A Toyota. Race fast, safe car. A Toyota.

A sports-hater's plaintive plea to be left alone:

Golf? No Sir, prefer prison flog!

(I can identify with that!)

An anti-smoking slogan:

Cigar? Toss it in a can. It is so tragic.

And a good spoonerism I read yesterday in MX fits in neatly with the story of the Knave of Hearts:

The Queen of Hearts, she made some tarts,
All on a summer day:
The Knave of Hearts, he stole those tarts,
And took them quite away!

Q: How did the knave respond when questioned about the lack of pies?
A: With a pack of lies.

Slogan for Fair Trade Coffee

I thought of this rather clever slogan for Fair Trade Coffee:

Fair Trade Coffee - helps you sleep better.

Byline for Solar-Powered Car

I just thought of this:

"On a clear day, you can drive forever" :-)

My Collection of Lightbulb Jokes

I've gathered these over the years from various sources (apologies if offence is caused to any group):

How many male chauvinist pigs does it take to change a light bulb? None, make her cook in the dark.

How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb? One, but it takes three bulbs.

How many dull people does it take to change a light bulb? One.

How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb? (pause) I get it! This is one of those light bulb jokes, right?

How many babysitters does it take to change a light bulb? None, Pampers don't come in a size that small.

How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, sir, but they have to do it while you're eating dinner.

How many help-desk employees does it take to change a light bulb? Hmmmm. The bulb works fine in *my* office. You must be doing something wrong.

How many free-market economists does it take to change a light bulb? None. The demand for light will cause the light bulb to change by itself. The government must not change it!

How many communists does it take to screw in a light bulb? None. The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.

How many mutants does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two thirds.

How many residents of Orange County, Florida does it take to change a light bulb? Nobody knows, they're still counting.

How many evolutionists does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but it takes eight million years.

How many stockbrokers does it take to change a light bulb? Oh, no! The bulb's out? Sell my GE stock NOW!!

How many dyslexics does it change to take a light bulb? Eno.

How many Zen masters does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to change it, and one not to change it.

How many Pentium owners does it take to change a light bulb? 0.99987, but that's close enough for most applications.

How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to screw the bulb almost all the way in, and one to give it a surprising twist at the end.

How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None, that's a hardware problem.

How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One always leaves in the middle of the project.

How many safety inspectors does it take to change a light bulb? Four. One to change it, and three to hold the ladder.

How many chiropractors does it take to change a light bulb? One, but it takes them three visits.

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? One, but only if the light bulb really wants to change.

How many Freudians does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to hold the ladder, and one to change my mother - I mean, er, ah... the light bulb.

How many optimists does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, the power will come back anytime now.

How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb? Six. Why? IT JUST DOES, OKAY??!!

How many board meetings does it take to get a light bulb changed? This topic was resumed from last week's discussion, but is incomplete, pending resolution of some action items. It will be continued next week.

How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to hold the giraffe, and one to put the clocks in the bathtub.

How many senior citizens does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, but she pays a telemarketer $2000 for the new bulb.

How many paranoids does it take to change a light bulb? WHO IS IT THAT WANTS TO KNOW?

How many narcissists does it take to change a light bulb? One. He holds the bulb while the world revolves around him.

How many procrastinators does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, but he has to wait until the light is better.

How many visitors to an art gallery does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two, one to do it and one to say "Huh! My four-year old could've done that!"

How many reference librarians does it take to change a light bulb? I don't know, I'll have to check on that and get back to you.

How many income tax agents does it take to screw in a light bulb? Only one, but it gets really screwed.

How many science fiction writers does it take to change a light bulb? Two, but it's actually the same person doing it. He went back in time and met himself in the doorway and then the first one sat on the other one's shoulder so that they were able to reach it.

One. How many psychics does it take to change a light bulb?

And a variant: How many dogs does it take to change a lightbulb?

DEPENDS ON THE DOG:

Golden Retriever - The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb.

Border Collie - Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code and repaint the wall where you scuffed it in the dark, before moving on to the plumbing.

Dachshund - You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!

Rottweiler - Make me.

Boxer - Who cares? I can play with my squeaky toy in the dark.

Lab. - Oh, me, me!!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeze, please, please, please pick me!

German Shepherd - I'll change it as soon as I've led everyone from the dark room, made sure no one was hurt, checked to make sure I haven't missed any, and made one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the dark situation.

Jack Russell - I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.

Old English Sheep Dog - Light bulb? I don't see a light bulb, I don't see a lamp. Where am I? Where are you?

Cocker Spaniel - Why change it? If I pee on the carpet in the dark, I won't get caught till you step in it.

Chihuahua - Yo quiero Taco Bulb.

Pointer - I see it, there it is, there it is ..... right there......

Greyhound - It isn't moving..... Who cares?

Australian Shepherd - First, let me put all the light bulbs in a little circle.

Poodle - I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

THE PARROT - Shhhh! Now that it's dark, its my nap time.

THE CAT - Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real question is: How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner and a massage?

Got any others?

What Causes Heart Attacks (Humour)

I got this in a mail today (Thanks, you know who you are).

After an exhaustive review of the research literature, here's the final word on nutrition and health:

1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
6. The French eat fois-gras, full fat cheese and drink red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

I know this is serious stuff, and not just for the Anglo Caucasians that the joke refers to. South Asian males like myself are at greater risk of a heart attack than males of other ethnicities. But laughter being as effective a weapon against death as any other, perhaps that only confirms the above conclusion...? English is widely spoken in South Asia.

My Favourite One-Liner

"Don't waste your coffee. There are people in India sleeping."