Friday, 29 February 2008

My Collection of Lightbulb Jokes

I've gathered these over the years from various sources (apologies if offence is caused to any group):
How many male chauvinist pigs does it take to change a light bulb? None, make her cook in the dark.

How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb? One, but it takes three bulbs.

How many dull people does it take to change a light bulb? One.

How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb? (pause) I get it! This is one of those light bulb jokes, right?

How many babysitters does it take to change a light bulb? None, Pampers don't come in a size that small.

How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, sir, but they have to do it while you're eating dinner.

How many help-desk employees does it take to change a light bulb? Hmmmm. The bulb works fine in *my* office. You must be doing something wrong.

How many free-market economists does it take to change a light bulb? None. The demand for light will cause the light bulb to change by itself. The government must not change it!

How many communists does it take to screw in a light bulb? None. The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.

How many mutants does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two thirds.

How many residents of Orange County, Florida does it take to change a light bulb? Nobody knows, they're still counting.

How many evolutionists does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but it takes eight million years.

How many stockbrokers does it take to change a light bulb? Oh, no! The bulb's out? Sell my GE stock NOW!!

How many dyslexics does it change to take a light bulb? Eno.

How many Zen masters does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to change it, and one not to change it.

How many Pentium owners does it take to change a light bulb? 0.99987, but that's close enough for most applications.

How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to screw the bulb almost all the way in, and one to give it a surprising twist at the end.

How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None, that's a hardware problem.

How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One always leaves in the middle of the project.

How many safety inspectors does it take to change a light bulb? Four. One to change it, and three to hold the ladder.

How many chiropractors does it take to change a light bulb? One, but it takes them three visits.

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? One, but only if the light bulb really wants to change.

How many Freudians does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to hold the ladder, and one to change my mother - I mean, er, ah... the light bulb.

How many optimists does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, the power will come back anytime now.

How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb? Six. Why? IT JUST DOES, OKAY??!!

How many board meetings does it take to get a light bulb changed? This topic was resumed from last week's discussion, but is incomplete, pending resolution of some action items. It will be continued next week.

How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to hold the giraffe, and one to put the clocks in the bathtub.

How many senior citizens does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, but she pays a telemarketer $2000 for the new bulb.

How many paranoids does it take to change a light bulb? WHO IS IT THAT WANTS TO KNOW?


How many narcissists does it take to change a light bulb? One. He holds the bulb while the world revolves around him.


How many procrastinators does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, but he has to wait until the light is better.

How many visitors to an art gallery does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two, one to do it and one to say "Huh! My four-year old could've done that!"

How many reference librarians does it take to change a light bulb? I don't know, I'll have to check on that and get back to you.

How many income tax agents does it take to screw in a light bulb? Only one, but it gets really screwed.

How many science fiction writers does it take to change a light bulb? Two, but it's actually the same person doing it. He went back in time and met himself in the doorway and then the first one sat on the other one's shoulder so that they were able to reach it.

One. How many psychics does it take to change a light bulb?

And a variant: How many dogs does it take to change a lightbulb?

DEPENDS ON THE DOG:

Golden Retriever - The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb.

Border Collie - Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code and repaint the wall where you scuffed it in the dark, before moving on to the plumbing.

Dachshund - You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!

Rottweiler - Make me.

Boxer - Who cares? I can play with my squeaky toy in the dark.

Lab. - Oh, me, me!!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeze, please, please, please pick me!

German Shepherd - I'll change it as soon as I've led everyone from the dark room, made sure no one was hurt, checked to make sure I haven't missed any, and made one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the dark situation.

Jack Russell - I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.

Old English Sheep Dog - Light bulb? I don't see a light bulb, I don't see a lamp. Where am I? Where are you?

Cocker Spaniel - Why change it? If I pee on the carpet in the dark, I won't get caught till you step in it.

Chihuahua - Yo quiero Taco Bulb.

Pointer - I see it, there it is, there it is ..... right there......

Greyhound - It isn't moving..... Who cares?

Australian Shepherd - First, let me put all the light bulbs in a little circle.

Poodle - I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

THE PARROT - Shhhh! Now that it's dark, its my nap time.

THE CAT - Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real question is: How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner and a massage?
Got any others?

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